


it's all fun and games 'til somebody loses their mind

by katcrescendo



Category: The Magicians (TV)
Genre: Episode Fix-it, Episode: s04e13 The Seam, M/M, Suicide Subtext, like honestly subtext not explicitly stated by implied
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-04-25
Updated: 2019-04-25
Packaged: 2020-01-31 12:58:11
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,713
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18591727
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/katcrescendo/pseuds/katcrescendo
Summary: Margo, of course, told him he was being an idiot. He knew, somewhere inside of himself, that she was right. However, he didn’t want to believe that at this time. What he did know was a simple and absolute fact, Q deserved better. A better ending and a longer life, a happier life. Even if it wasn’t what he could give to him. He closed his eyes for a moment, just a moment, trying to breathe through the pain; both physical and emotional. It had only been a couple weeks, and he could still feel the pain from the axes when he moved.





	it's all fun and games 'til somebody loses their mind

**Author's Note:**

> This is beta's by me, myself, and I so consider it unbeta'd.  
> Inspired by Taylor Swift

Quentin eyed the card warily when it was held out to him, but his hand still went forward as he took it from Penny’s hand. He made it disappear up his sleeve, before making it appear in his other way, almost as a way to calm his nerves.

“That will take you where you need to go,” Penny said, eyeing Quentin, having been in his mind often enough to know that it was going in circles. He let him try to figure out what he meant, expecting the question that was asked next. He, however, was not prepared for how soft and timid it came out, almost as if he was scared of what the answer was going to be.

“What if I need to go home?”

“Then it will take you home.”

The smile he received was almost worth it. Almost. He knew where Quentin was going to go, he knew that the second he boarded the subway he was leaving the underworld. He also knew he couldn’t explicitly tell Quentin that. He could feign ignorance with the question and answer.

They got to the subway and he took a step back, “This is as far as I go with you.”

Quentin stopped and turned to look at him, “Penny-”

Penny cut him off by putting up a hand, “I know what you’re gonna say, and please don’t. Just… enjoy it, alright. And don’t look back, Coldwater. And don’t do it again, because this is it.”

Quentin nodded, if it was anyone else he might have hugged them, but this was Penny and they were never particularly close. Instead he just smiled in thanks, and was shocked by Penny stepping forward and wrapping his arms around him in a hug. He froze slightly, but then hugged back.

They broke apart from the hug and Penny smiled. “I better not see you again, Coldwater”

Quentin laughed softly, moving back. He walked backwards for a few steps before turning and getting onto the subway. He wanted to look back, but he heard what Penny said and stubbornly looked forward. The subway started moving and before he knew it he was deposited onto a lawn, not so gracefully. He stood up and dusted himself, feeling extremely disoriented, and looked around. He was at Brakebills, more specifically The Physical Kids Cottage. It was home, he was home. If home was a place and not an abstract concept.

He walked up to the door before realizing something; he could take a full breath of air and it had a scent. The distinct smell that surrounded the cottage filled his nostrils. Then there was the sun, the sun actually caused him to squint. Did that mean he was alive? Did the metro card actually bring him home?

The more he thought about it, the more nervous he became, because what if he was wrong and he opened the door to find no one? Or even, what if he was right and he opened the door to find everyone? Taking a deep breath he slowly opened the door…

 

_ So we went on our way _

_ Too in love to think straight _

_ All alone or so it seemed. _

 

After the bonfire Eliot started spiraling, but not with pills and alcohol. Unfortunately for him Margo recognized the signs of his spiral and had time to hide them all. But he wasn’t moving off the couch, wasn’t really taking care of himself. He was barely eating, only eating what Margo was forcing him to eat, barely sleeping. Not that he could sleep, every time he closed his eyes he dreamed that he was trapped back in his happy place and therefore a victim of the monster that lived in his body. Every time he opened them he remembered all over again that Q was dead and he never got to tell him that he fucked up by turning him down. He never got to tell him that he wanted those fifty years with him. It was almost cruel.

Almost. Because he blamed himself. Logically he knew it wasn’t his fault, but he also knew that there was a huge chance if he just gave him and Q a shot then maybe, just maybe, he wouldn’t have agreed to stay at Blackspire as the jailor. And he wouldn’t have brought a gun and shot the monster, and he wouldn’t have been possessed leading to this whole fucked up situation. So it was only almost cruel, because a part of him believed that he didn’t deserve a happy ending.

Margo, of course, told him he was being an idiot. He knew, somewhere inside of himself, that she was right. However, he didn’t want to believe that at this time. What he did know was a simple and absolute fact, Q deserved better. A better ending and a longer life, a happier life. Even if it wasn’t what he could give to him. He closed his eyes for a moment, just a moment, trying to breathe through the pain; both physical and emotional. It had only been a couple weeks, and he could still feel the pain from the axes when he moved.

He felt someone sit down next to him and he didn’t have to look up to know who it was. There wasn’t really anyone around to even guess either, Margo was the only one with him. She said nothing as she sat, but he could feel the piercing gaze that she gave him.

“Yes, Bambi,” his eyes opened and he returned her gaze with a searching one of his own.

“What happened between you and Q? I know you guys lived full lives, that much was obvious from the note that he sent, but what actually happened? And don’t tell me that it’s between you two, because I swear to god El, you are acting like you just lost the love of your life, and you won’t even tell me that fucking much. I don’t know how to help you if you won’t tell me what exactly went on between you two.”

What she didn’t say was that this, the wallowing, was almost worse than the drug and alcohol binge he went on before.

“Bambi…” he started softly but she cut him off.

“No, you don’t get to do that. I am your best fucking friend, Eliot. And I loved Q as well, and I hate that he had to put up with seeing the monster with your fucking face all the motherfucking time because part of me couldn’t handle it. Part of the reason I went back to Fillory was because I could not look at you without wanting to utterly destroy myself. I cocked out. And if you are feeling like this because of him, then I don’t even want to know what he was feeling every fucking time he looked at you. Just think about that for one fucking second and pussy up, because you are going to tell me. How the fuck else am I supposed to help you.”

Eliot backed up a little, swallowing down the pain a bit. Margo was scary when she was mad, and right now that rage was directed at him. He looked away and closed his eyes, taking a breath. He knew he deserved it. He knew that he was the reason that he and Q had that unspoken agreement not to tell anyone.

“We lived fifty years together, he had a wife and we had a family. He and his wife had a kid and a few years later she died, so Q and I raised that boy together. Theodore Rupert Coldwater-Waugh.” Eliot’s voice was soft as he spoke, as if he was telling her a secret. “When we got back, when you saved us from going through, we still ended up remembering. It must have been all real because you still got that basket with peaches and plums and the note that he wrote. But how we remembered it, I don’t know. All I know is that I loved him, Bambi. I loved him with everything I had, everything I could give and I fucked up. I turned him down and I broke his heart.” The more he spoke, the more he was trying to make himself not cry. He hasn’t let himself fully cry because he couldn’t. He couldn’t cry, because Q being dead was not an option. Here it was though, it was a reality. A reality that he didn’t want to believe.

A hand slid around his shoulders and he was brought into a hug, his face burying itself into Margo’s neck. She didn’t have to say anything, they both knew that no words could fix what he was feeling, what he was missing. And the fact that everyone had been looking at Alice like she was the widow. Not that he could blame them, or her, they didn’t know. 

“Baby, I’m so sorry,” her fingers ran through his hair, humming softly. She knew now she needed to do research, and she was going to. She was going to help her best friend.

Almost as if she knew exactly what she was thinking, he moved back, looking her in the eye. Nothing was said between them, but maybe they knew what the other was thinking. God, he hoped that was the case.

_ But there were strangers watching _

_ And whispers turned to talking _

_ And talking turned to screams. _

A couple weeks later found them both reading through books. Eliot on the couch, Margo on the floor. A pile higher than Margo was tall was next to the couch. They hadn’t told anyone of their plan, but what was there to really say? Who was there to talk to? Kady and Alice disappeared. Penny23 and Julia, they popped around now and then, but didn’t really stay. Q really was the heart of their group, he’s what kept them together. And the longer he was gone, the more obvious it became. It had now been a week since he’d seen Julia and Penny23, he hadn’t seen Kady two weeks before that and Alice since the bonfire. And, honestly, he wasn’t sure if that was a good or bad thing.

It had taken them a week and a half longer than he would have liked for them to get started, but it took that long for him to gather the strength to move more than a few feet from the couch. He did what he could with the library the cottage had on hand, but there wasn’t much. Margo insisted that he needed to gather his strength before taking on a project this size. He argued that there was no idea when that was going to happen, but she didn’t back down.

He still wasn’t sleeping, but he was eating. Margo was right, he did need as much strength as he could muster for this. Not that he admitted to her that she was right.

What shocked him, though, was a few hours after they started on day four of research Julia came in.

“What are you guys doing?” She moved and sat on the other side of the couch.

“Research,” He mutter gruffly before looking up. She looked tired herself, almost as if she had been having a cry that day. That was when it hit him, it had been a month. A month since Q died and everything punched him in the gut at once, and he felt the air leave his body. Closing his eyes, he tried to regain his composure. He couldn’t let it affect him. Couldn’t let his feelings get in the way of saving Q, only spur him on.

“On what?” Julia asked, getting up and grabbing one of the books. “Oh…”

The book dropped to the floor with a thud and this time Margo looked up. Raising an eyebrow, she snatched the book back and looked at it for a moment.

“Yes, we’re trying to bring back Q,” she answered Julia’s unspoken question, then slammed the book shut.

“Count me in, I was just surprised. That’s what I’ve been doing. I was looking for clues, and, well, avoiding here for a while. I… I just couldn’t.”

Margo gave a nod and went back to reading. The room growing silent again, except for pages turning and shuffling as they moved their position now and then.

After a couple hours Julia looked up, “What about this one? I’m not sure what it says but what I can make out sounds promising.”

Margo leaned over to see what she was referencing, “My Portuguese is really rusty but I am pretty sure that means that we have to carve the heart out of the person Q loves most.”

She subtly glanced between Julia and Eliot before saying, “Any takers?” When no one spoke Margo looked back down at her book, “That’s what I thought.”

“Mark it Julia,” Eliot said, “Maybe we have to invent something, so it could be of use.”

“If we are inventing shit then we should probably call Alice, she’s done that crap before. Even if, from what I heard, it became disastrous. At least she didn’t die from it. And I am not having anyone die, because then this will just because a depressing circle of bringing people back from the dead. And magic is low enough as it is.”

Getting up, Julia nodded. “She’s with the library, I’ll get Penny and go get her.”

The last sound they heard was the door closing, and the room became silent again, both of them becoming incredibly engrossed in their reading.

_ But darling, we found wonderland _

_ You and I got lost in it _

_ And we pretended it could last forever _

The next sound that interrupted their reading was the cottage door opening again. Margo didn’t look up right away thinking it was Julia. Eliot did though, and he sat up slowly as if he thought he was dreaming. That made Margo look up, and she just dropped the book and jumped up, running over.

It was Quentin, and she was never happier than now to see the super nerd.

“You fucking absolute asshole!” Throwing her arms around him, Margo buried her face into his shoulder, hugging him tight to her body as if she was scared he would disappear if she didn’t. Her shoulders started shaking as she started to cry for the first time since she heard the news he was dead.

And now he was here, it had been a month, and she tried her damned hardest to remain strong, but now he was here and she let herself go. But just for a moment.

“I’m sorry,” Quentin whispered softly, “I didn’t mean to.”

She moved back and hid her face quickly as she composed herself before looking at him, feeling Eliot hovering over her shoulder. But before she could talk again, Eliot did instead.

“I know Q, I understand.” He moved past her, and his hand shook as he reached out to touch Q, stopping just shy of his face as if he was asking permission.

Quentin took a step, covering the distance between Eliot’s hand and his face, tears starting to quietly coat his cheeks as he looked up at him, his hand coming to cover Eliot’s.

“How?” Eliot finally asked softly, his thumb brushing one of the tears away.

“The metro card took me where I wanted to go, and I wanted to go home.” Quentin shrugged a bit, his hand sliding down Eliot’s arm a bit more as he moved closer to him, frowning a bit.

“You’re all heal,” he muttered, his brow furrowing, “but there was almost no magic.” His hand dropped from Eliot’s arm and to his side, carefully touching the shirt, his eyes locking with Eliot’s asking permission. Eliot gave a nod and Quentin carefully pulled the shirt up to look. The stitches were gone, but the scars were still there, raised and angry. “Does it hurt?”

“Only if I move to fast, or stretch it too far.” Eliot dropped his hand and Quentin let out an involuntary noise. He took Quentin’s hands, letting the shirt fall back down, “Q,” he breathed out.

“How long was I gone?” Quentin asked, not really realizing that he was interrupting Eliot, just thinking Eliot was telling him not to dwell on it. “Because for me it was like a few hours, but it couldn’t have been.”

Margo looked between them, not saying anything, just hoping that her two best friends could pull their heads out of their asses long enough to actually talk. But that was shattered when Quentin

“A month, now I am gonna go make us some drinks. So don’t disappear on me again, Q. Got it?” She stared at him for a moment before turning and walking into the kitchen.

Quentin looked back up at Eliot, who moved one hand from Quentin’s and onto his cheek, slowly moving it back to cup his head. Eyes searched each other for a heartbeat, still asking if each other was real. After so much work and so much heartache.

“El…” Quentin finally breathed out before closing the distance between them and kissing him with all he had. Eliot wrapped his other arm tightly around Quentin, holding him close. The soft brush of lips felt right, felt perfect, felt like he was finally safe; even if they facial hair felt extremely scratchy against his face. At this moment he didn’t care because the kiss, and his arms, and Eliot himself, they all felt like home. And when Eliot took the initiative to deepen the kiss, Quentin happily followed along, his own arms sliding up and around Eliot’s shoulder’s, one hand slipping into his hair like he knew he liked. Not that Eliot would have ever admitted that to anyone else.

As they kissed they were interrupted when they heard the door open and jumped apart as if they were kids who were caught doing something illegal or wrong. Quinten ended up knocking himself into a table and knocking over a lamp, causing it to fall and break.

“Oh… uhm, my bad I’ll fix it.”

His hands moved into a quick mending spell, not paying attention at the moment to who was coming in, just in the spell. The feeling of helping something remember what it was before. It was a little euphoric, if he was being honest with himself. He picked the lamp up and placed it on the table and that was when he saw her.

Julia, his best friend, he smiled softly at her holding his arms out to her. His eyes then landing on Alice appearing behind her shoulder. But before he could talk, or react, Julia spoke.

“Q?” Julia breathed out in disbelief, running over and hugging him. “How?” She asked into his shoulder.

“Metro Card that Penny gave me, our Penny.” He saw Kady and Penny23 behind the shelves a little bit and smiled softly at her. “He told me he better not see me again.”

Julia moved back and looked over him for a moment. “Q, you know…”

She started but Quentin nodded, “I know. Just sometimes I just…” He shrugged unsure of how to explain it, wringing his hands together for a moment, brow furrowing. He felt a hand on his and realized that they were Eliot’s, he looked up at him in confusion.

Eliot moved his lips near Q’s ear and whispered trying and failing to be subtle about it. He was appreciative all the same. “You do that just before spiraling. It’s okay, Q. You’re here, and we’re happy about that. And we are always going to be here for you. Don’t overthink it right now. And I told you, I would always try to be here to stop your spirals, or at least help you through them.”

Quentin tilted his head to look at Eliot for a moment as he referred to their fifty years together. Alice approached Quentin, her eyes flickering between him and Eliot as her mind replayed what she overheard in the Brakebills library. The way that they looked at each other. And she knew, she knew for sure.

So, instead of pulling Quentin in for a kiss, she hugged him and whispered, “I know you love Eliot, be with him. We can stay friends. It’s okay. Besides, I might have found someone. It’s still really early and soon. But maybe, eventually.”

Quentin was surprised by what she said, but knew better than to dwell on it at this moment, or ask questions and draw attention. Instead he took what Eliot helped him to learn in those fifty years and whispered, “Thank you,” in reply. Kissing her cheek as they pulled apart.

Penny23 then came over and squeezed his shoulder, as Kady walked over and gave him a quick hug. “Glad you’re not dead.”

He smiled softly and just gave her another hug in reply.

Margo came back out with a tray, “I heard you guys come in so I made more. It’s a celebration! We have our Q back. So everyone, drink up.”

She handed one to Eliot, who raised an eyebrow and could smell the alcohol in the drink.

“Well, now if you spiral like a dumbass, I have help.”

Eliot nodded and took a sip, sitting back down on the couch and pulling Q down with him. He wasn’t going to let him out of his sight for a good while. And judging from how pliantly Q laid against him, he supposed the feeling was mutual. They both knew that they still had a lot to talk about, but for that moment in time they were okay.

“I love you,” Eliot whispered into his ear, knowing that they weren’t going to get a moment any time soon and feeling the need to say it to him before he lost his nerve.

He felt Q’s head move, and felt a soft kiss be placed on his jaw in return. “I love you too, but next time you kiss me you better fucking shave first, or I swear you’ll regret it.”

Eliot laughed for the first time in a month, startling Margo and the rest of their friends. “That I can do, Q. That I can definitely do.”

**Author's Note:**

> Lyrics and title from Wonderland by Taylor Swift. Anyone surprised?  
> Thank you to the Magically Queliot discord and The Magiciains: Revisited discord for being my cheerleaders, you guys are awesome and gave me the strength to post my first fic on here  
> Please be kind and leave a kudos and a comment!


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